My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
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jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
lmao
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler