8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
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Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant