In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Does beer think about me too?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Need this in my life lol
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts