I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
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When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?