Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
🖤✌🏽
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If snakes were wide
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by