If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
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We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
This fish is cracking me up
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*