(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
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Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.