Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
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Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…