Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
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if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?