The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
You Might Also Like
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.