[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
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hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Pretty much! 😂👀
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?