[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
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My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
cry laughing at this shit
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup