o shit
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If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.