Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
can’t catch a break
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today