I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
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The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I have so many questions.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!