I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
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Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?