me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
You Might Also Like
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.