I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
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I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
i think both sides are to blame here
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
choose your gary
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em