Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
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Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know