Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
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Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Battery falling down a hole
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.