Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
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[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Phones down.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L