A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
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Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Boy never ceases to amaze me
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.