GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
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*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
My flabber has been gasted.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
rich people when they have to pay taxes
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.