[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
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The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet