Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
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If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Your honor these allegations are
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?