Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
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I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.