Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
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Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.