how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
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I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
This could be us… but you playing
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course