Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
You Might Also Like
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
It’s an epidemic…
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.