I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
How software testing works
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”