They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.