You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
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What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I finally found a reason to live again.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
No Google it does not
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..