I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
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wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.