Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
You Might Also Like
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
This probably isn’t good
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.