Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
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Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.