In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
asking santa clause for nudes
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”