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me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
According to math, I’m broke
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?