LMAO
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Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
can’t talk my ride’s here
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.