If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
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FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
🤣🤣
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.