My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
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If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.