πππππππππ
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Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned βPlease mention if the cake contains eggβ. I am speechless after receiving the order ππΌ
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work Iβll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
i canβt believe i just spent my time editing this video
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way Iβm running that far.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayedβ¦
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know itβs the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
suspect: i ainβt talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that youβll always come home.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?