Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
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Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok