6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
The Onion called it…again.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?