It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
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That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
This is the one
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG