Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
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Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Hero horse inspires millions
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME