I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
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My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
This makes total sense…
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?