[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
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If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
🙅🏻
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine