My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?