[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
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there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.