What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks